Saturday, November 22, 2008


For me the loss has been more than the man I loved, left my family and friends for and moved 1500 miles to be with. I loved living in the mountains, with trees all around. I also love(d) the cats and kittens, there were 13 in all. Yep, 13, three Mom cats, their nine kittens and the Pa cat that lived under one of the out buildings.

I named them all when I first moved here. The Moms were Momma, Boots and Cow Cat. The kittens were Stinker, Fluffy, Twin, It, Digger, Patch, Spot, Tiger and Hissy. Then there was Pa Cat, he was the daddy to all the kittens.

Spot was the most social. Stinker and Fluffy were adopted out. Patch, I was his girl. He was very shy at first. Then one day he adopted me. In the mornings, I would hold him on the front porch after breakfast. He would purr and fall asleep. Digger is the most beautiful cat I have ever seen.

One time I came home from work and Gerald showed me a new gun he had bought. I asked him what a person would shoot with that gun, he said "Cats." On my last morning there, I told Gerald I had a dream he shot the cats. I asked him if he was going to shoot the cats. He didn't answer. So, I asked him again. He said no. I told him I still planned on getting Patch fixed and taking him with me.

One night, I was talking to Gerald's friend, my landlord, about cats. I asked him if Gerald had shot the cats. He said not yet. I asked him what he meant by not yet. He said Gerald wouldn't shoot the cats.

I would love to go back to see the kittens. Patch is who I miss the most. I haven't gone back because I know I would cry when I left him again. As I told you, I lost more.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Is it forever already?!?

I wasn't prepared for an end. More than once, I had told Gerald I would not accept anything less than forever, and he said yes, nothing less than forever. I didn't know forever was so short!!

On my last night at Gerald's, I was there to pack the rest of my things. I had an ideal pictured in my head that we would talk. (Sometimes I really crack myself up.) He was out, as he had been most nights in those last couple of weeks.

When he came home, I was on the phone with a friend. I had the football game on. I hung up from my phone call. Told him hello. He went in the bedroom and changed clothes, then came out into the living room and laid on the couch. I could smell the whiskey from across the room. He fell asleep. I figured there would be no talking. No closure. No discussion about what made it end.

Gerald's big thing when we first started our relationship, was "communication". He had to be with a woman that was willing to communicate. Get outside help if things went wrong. All things I was very willing to do. During our relationship, we didn't communicate. We talked, but not about deep level things. I thought things were going well. Oh, we had our ups and downs, what couple doesn't?

Come to think of it, the only time we had deep level communication was when we would instant message each other, before I moved to Montana. We would talk on the phone, and not talk about the same things we talked about when we instant messaged each other. I still wonder why that was. I even brought it to his attention more than once.

I know communication goes both ways. I could have started some of the conversations I wanted to have. But, I think I realized early on, that it was about Gerald and what he wanted to talk about. And, maybe, just maybe I was afraid of what might be said.