Lots to be thankful for

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. This year I have much to be thankful for. Every morning I wake up above the sod. I have the most wonderful friends that love me, and care about my well being. I have a great family that loves me, and supported me when I decided to move to Montana (even tho it hurt them deeply). I am living in Montana (truly God's country). I see the mountains every day! I am less than 50 miles from Glacier NP!

I am thankful that I am a strong woman. I will make it in Montana. I am thankful I have not become jaded or bitter. I know I will find a good man. A man that is honest with me and himself. A man that is caring and giving. A man that wants a woman to love him from her soul. A man that has left his baggage at the curb. Oh, and I am thankful I haven't lost my sense of humor.

Please, leave your baggage at the curb

I don't bring much baggage from relationship to relationship. I don't intend to judge other men by who or what Gerald is.

I can't say Gerald does the same. I got the strong impression, that he never intends to let go of his baggage, or the hurt inflicted on him by his past relationships. Whether the hurt be changing their mind, doing something vicious, or whatever wrong he believes it was. Let it go! How can you move forward when you are dragging such a heavy load around with you?

I feel that was very unfair to me (I know, I know, life isn't always fair). Seems like I was frequently tested to see if I would react to things the way his exes did. I would mentally wipe my brow and say whew after passing each test, thinking it would be the last. Only to be tested again. I am different than those women. The only thing we ever had in common was loving Gerald.

One day a realization hit me like a Mack truck!! I had been so busy not being Gerald's exes, that I forgot to be myself. How sad is that, because I am funny, smart, sincere, honest, kind, (my friends tell me wonderful [blush], and the list of my attributes goes on and on. I am a great catch:o)

Why do I write about these things?

Because they befuddle me. I am not a stupid woman, nor am I naive in the ways of the world. I have often wondered how people that were in love, can fall out of love and at times even hate each other. Were they truly in love? What, what goes wrong? I'm sure there have been research studies done.

I think of so many things Gerald did to show love, even in the days just before the end of our relationship. And I understand the end less. With a lack of anything to go on, my thoughts run wild.....

.....I have several theories.

• I didn't have enough money being among the top, well 1 (with my friends and family)!! He said those kinds of things weren't important, but was always saying how much he paid for things. That something was pretty "spendy" or "pricey". He knew the price tag on all of his stuff, and this man has a lot of stuff. I've never been into stuff. I'm not impressed by shiny things, or big toys.*
  

• Gerald was afraid I would end the relationship, so he beat me to it. That is based on something he said a few weeks prior. I had no plans to end our relationship, I was deeply in love. My plan was to show him when we were in our 80's, that I was in it for the long haul. I was going to say, "See I didn't leave! I didn't change my mind! We have been together all of these years, I am still here, and I still love you."
  

• Was it that I made him feel bad. Only on two occasions before the end. Not intentionally, or knowingly. I guess he just felt bad because of his conscience, not because of what I said or did. He said he didn't like that I made him feel bad about his hurting me. He told me once that he saw our friendship falling apart, because I was making him feel bad about what had happened between us. Is that the same as I don't want to play with you anymore, I'm taking my toys and going home? Paaalllllleeeeaaaasssseeee!! Oh, and there was the time I had told Gerald I looked into homeless shelters, you know to cover all my bases. He told me I shouldn't have told him that, because it made him feel bad. That was not my intention. I realized at that moment, it was okay for Gerald to make you feel bad, but don't make him feel bad. Remember, it is all about him.
  

• There were two Gerald's. The one I met on line, the Gerald he wanted to be. The one I fell in love with, and met when I flew out to meet him in May. The one that said he didn't drink, didn't smoke, ate healthy, didn't like going to town, didn't like hanging out in bars, wanted a woman that would stay home at night, etc. He had told me that I made it easy for him to be the kind of man he wanted to be. Then there was the Gerald I met after a few weeks of living here. The one that smoked, drank and did the things he said he hated. That Gerald was easier to be, because it didn't involve change. He was more comfortable being that Gerald.**
  

Then I have a belief, not a theory, that Gerald doesn't know what love really is. I loved him unconditionally! Totally! I don't think he had ever before experienced the kind of love that comes from the soul of a woman. That was the kind of love I had for Gerald. Maybe that is a scary kind of love.

He said he was looking for a crazy, madly in love kind of love. He didn't feel that with me. Here's me thinking, you had that with Psycho! You still divorced her! So, how could I trust that if he were crazy, madly, in love with me that we would still be together.

I gave him stability, from what he had told me it didn't sound like he had much in his life. The house was clean and dishes done when he came home from work. I met him with a smile, a hug, and a how was your day. He had told me that his ex-wife (#2) didn't do things around the house. He told me Psycho didn't do things in the house. So, I did. I cleaned, kept things picked up, did the laundry, fed the critters, helped when he needed a hand. (I had told him I wasn't a domestic Goddess.)

* I have no doubt that I am the wealthiest person Gerald knows. Not because I make a lot of money (ouch! I just picked myself up off the floor from laughing at that one), because I don't. But, because I have a great sense of self. I have wonderful friends and family. I can look at myself in the mirror, and like what I see. I have a love of myself. I am compassionate about all living things. I enjoy the simple things. I am a good person.

**I know, from experience, that it is easier to be who we are than to make the changes that make us a better person. I never asked Gerald to be anyone. I would never, I repeat never, ask anyone to change for me. Heck, relationships are hard enough as it is, why add the possibility of resentment for making the other person be someone you want them to be.