Let's see....

...where was I? Oh, yeah, the Quest.

One year Bandit and I took a road trip to Colorado. We ended up in the Springs area. I had been there years earlier. I lliked the area. Besides, Josephine had seen Milton standing on a rock, and Colorado had the Rocky Mountains. It was worth a try.

That was the first time I drove to the top of Pikes Peak. If I ever go back up there, I want to be a passenger! Yikes! Let's just say it wasn't a good time for Bandit to want play fetch! On the way back down from the top of Pikes Peak, I stopped at mile marker 17, also known as the "Bottomless Pit" area. I'm not sure why I thought that was the place to stop, but it was a pretty part of the highway. I did a short beseechment ceremony, and left the Milton Quest crystal there.

Bandit and I were camped at the bottom of the "Peak", we could see it from our campsite. That night, I did a ceremony asking for help, on my quest, from the four directions, Creator, Mother Earth, my guardian angels, etc. That was the first time I felt Milton standing behind me.

I didn't turn to look.

Do you see what I see?

This is a picture of the undersea volcano, that is erupting off of the coast of Tonga. I see something in this picture that may be a symbol of Mother Earth's fury. Do you see it too?

What to do when the quest ends?

Many years ago, I went to a psychic. Among the things he told me were the initials of my "happily ever after man". M.B. or B.M. Said he couldn't get a clearer picture. At that moment began the quest, the Milton Quest.

A friend had given me a crystal that was shaped like two crystals joined together. I dubbed it the Milton Quest crystal. One time, I let another friend hold the crystal. Her name was Josephine. Josephine was an angel on earth! She was older than my father, and was a psychic and healer. While holding the crystal, Josephine saw "Milton". She said she saw him standing on a rock, waiting for me.

I took the crystal with me the first time I went to Glacier. On one of the trails there was a fallen tree, along Avalanche Creek, that you could cross and be on a kind of sand bar. After sitting and just being for a while, I found a broken tree, did a beseechment ceremony and placed the crystal on the broken end of the tree. In the ceremony I asked for help on my "quest". I left the crystal overnight, and retrieved it the next morning.

I'll continue this later, for now I am sleepy. It really is an interesting story.

A bittersweet memory...

...that makes me smile.

Today on the way to work, I was following a Volkswagen four door. Inside the car was the driver, and her dog. The dog looked to be a husky or malamute, and when I first saw the car he was in the back seat. After a few wags of his tail, he was in the front seat. When we stopped for a traffic light, I saw the owner reach over and roll down the passenger side window, so her friend could get some air. I thought, 'Hey that's cool. If that was me, I'd pet that dog right now.' With that the owner did just that, she scratched her dog's head.

I got a little nostalgic as I watched them. Many years ago I got a used dog, a husky named Bandit (see my slide show tribute to him). When I got him, I had a four door Honda, fully equipped. He would sit in the back seat and his head would be in the front. One time we were going someplace, and Bandit was sitting in the front seat. I scratched his head, and then tiiimmmmber, he fell sideways and laid his head on my shoulder.

When Bandit looked at me, and then looked at the window, I knew it was time to hit the power button to roll the window down for him. If it was hot enough for the air conditioning to be on, he had his nose right at the vent.

It didn't take me long to realize that Bandit was too big for my little Honda, so I went out and got him a bigger Honda. Not fully equipped! You should have seen the look on his face when I came home with our SUV. Pure joy! A truck with rooms for him to play in. And play we did. When we went on road trips, we'd play fetch. I'd throw the ball to the back cargo area, and he'd jump over seats to retrieve it. Then drop it on the front seat to play some more. We had miles of fun for sure.

When Bandit looked at me, and then looked at the window I had to apologize to him. There were no more power buttons to roll down the window, and I couldn't reach while driving. I think he gave me some dirty looks. Didn't matter, because they were always followed by smoochies!

Sadly, I had to put Bandit to sleep. He had inoperable liver cancer. They found the cancer by doing an operation! Bandit was a most awesome pal, friend, and confidant. I never knew if he was a good protector, no one got close enough to find out. Everyone seemed to think he was a wolf. I'll see you over the rainbow bridge bud, have fun playing fetch 'til then.

Be careful what you wish for

Who hasn't heard that saying?!

When I was little my mom became pregnant. There was already a boy and three girls in the family, so Betty, Barb and I yearned for a baby brother. Our house was a split level, and at the top of the up stairs there hung a picture of Jesus, kneeling by a rock, praying. Every night, for nine months, Betty, Barb and I would kneel at the picture of Jesus, and pray for a baby brother. I think on Sundays we prayed more than once, because it was go to church day. There were nights Barb and I would even fall asleep, holding hands, praying for a boy!

You guessed it, we got what we "wished" for. A baby brudder! Who has become a green-eyed monster!

One year for his birthday, I told my baby brudder his gift from me would be that I wouldn't call him baby brudder anymore. I must be an Indian giver, because I have taken that gift back.

The moral? Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it, and want to send it back.

Hiding

We all hide behind something, a picture, words, a smile, laughter, tears.

Are we afraid of what would happen if we came out from behind the picture, words, smile....? Are we afraid of our vulnerabilities? Afraid of rejection?

I started this blog as a kind of therapy. I had been hurt down to my soul, to the very core of me. I needed something to talk to....that didn't hear my sobs. There were words and actions said and done by Gerald, that haunt me. Things I wouldn't think another could say or do to someone they had loved. Things I have told no one. And, no matter how many times I sing in my head, sometimes they sing louder.

I have been told to forget him, he's no good. I think anyone reading this blog can agree he is not a good person. I don't miss Gerald. I miss being a we. I used to love being a me by myself. I used to go through life so easily, doing things as a me. Now I just tire easily.

I have been told to focus on the future. I can do that, truly. I know someday I will be over this hurt. That the scars on my soul will fade. That the core of me will be okay. I have already experienced more good days than bad. And, I know they will only get better. After all, I am living in Montana!

As for me, I used to hide behind 45 extra pounds, and hair down to the small of my back. I don't miss those things. I don't mind being exposed. And, now I am hiding less behind my smile and laughter. And I think myself only human, to have good days and bad days.

I know I have ranted and rambled in this post. But you know what? A day that started out a bad day, is turning into a good day after all. Therapy at less than whatever an hour!