Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Is it forever already?!?

I wasn't prepared for an end. More than once, I had told Gerald I would not accept anything less than forever, and he said yes, nothing less than forever. I didn't know forever was so short!!

On my last night at Gerald's, I was there to pack the rest of my things. I had an ideal pictured in my head that we would talk. (Sometimes I really crack myself up.) He was out, as he had been most nights in those last couple of weeks.

When he came home, I was on the phone with a friend. I had the football game on. I hung up from my phone call. Told him hello. He went in the bedroom and changed clothes, then came out into the living room and laid on the couch. I could smell the whiskey from across the room. He fell asleep. I figured there would be no talking. No closure. No discussion about what made it end.

Gerald's big thing when we first started our relationship, was "communication". He had to be with a woman that was willing to communicate. Get outside help if things went wrong. All things I was very willing to do. During our relationship, we didn't communicate. We talked, but not about deep level things. I thought things were going well. Oh, we had our ups and downs, what couple doesn't?

Come to think of it, the only time we had deep level communication was when we would instant message each other, before I moved to Montana. We would talk on the phone, and not talk about the same things we talked about when we instant messaged each other. I still wonder why that was. I even brought it to his attention more than once.

I know communication goes both ways. I could have started some of the conversations I wanted to have. But, I think I realized early on, that it was about Gerald and what he wanted to talk about. And, maybe, just maybe I was afraid of what might be said.


MontanaScarecrow said...

I'm Sorry about your loss. I Moved to Montana in 1998 after talking to a women for about 6 months. Everything seemed well for the first few months and then she started pushing me away. I knew she had beem married once before and that diddn't bother me. Soon after we got ingaged things started going south. She started hanging out with friends and not coming home some nights says she went out with friends and could drive home. I too ended up moving out and haven't dated since and that was 5 years ago. We are still friends and do some things together but we will never be more than that again. I think we've become best friends even though she's had other relationship since me. She keeps telling me I need to find someone, but I pretty much keep to my self these days. I think it's easy for some people to one because they weren't really putting their all into the relationship, where people like me have become somewhat jaded and just look for friends and don't know if I want to try the relationship again.
Sorry to ramble, just thought I'd I'd share a little of my "I've know your Pain" thing.
I hope things work out good you. Joe

Kitchenwitch2 said...

Forever is in your heart and mind. This experiance will last in your heart and mind forever. I know that isnt what you wanted from Gerald was only in your heart and mind but it is a learning thing. I only want forever but have learned that FOREVER always startes one day at a time.
Your big sis the Witch of the family

its_me_in_montana said...

Hi Joe,

Wow, your loss has been bigger than mine. That is too bad. I'm glad you shared your "I know your pain" with me. Gerald did some pushing too. I am baffled by that.

I fully intend to fall in love again some day. My friends tell me there is a nice man out there for me. I will keep looking.

Have a great Thanksgiving Joe. Stop by my blog and ramble anytime you want.

Peace, Boni

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about those deep talks. It's scarry to go there and hard to take the first step. I think about those talks all the time but when the times comes, I get cold feet.