Monday, September 5, 2016

Is Suicide Painless?

For the first time in my mumblemumble years, I have been touched by someone I know committing suicide.  Wow!  The news of it just sucks the air right out of you. Literally! 

I knew Will.I.Am, as I called him, from our working together.  I liked our conversations.  In his short life he had done so much.  He was an Air Force vet that had a job that kind of put his finger on the button, and a gun on his hip for anyone that tried to push it.  I thought that was quite a responsibility for a teenager to have.  After his discharge, he enlisted in the Army reserve, and went back to boot camp.  He was a combat medic.  An EMT. He was a really great person. One of the good guys.

Will wanted to be a cop.  We talked about police work a lot.  He loved the ride-a-longs he had gone `on.  He had thought of applying for a dispatch job, to get his foot in the door.  He really wanted to be a cop.  I told him of my years working for police departments.

Will had a beautiful German Shepherd dog named Ruger.  I told him that Ruger was going to be my puppy's daddy.  He laughed.  Will's family raised and trained German Shepherds.  He knew the breed.  We talked of my love of the breed.

I found out about Will's death on FaceBook, when a mutual former co-worker posted about his funeral.  It would be the only way for me to find out, because that is the only way I communicate with the people I used to work with at that job.  A while back I had thought about sending Will a friend request.  I talked myself out of it, because I figured Will wouldn't want a friend that was mumblemumble years old.  I think I would have been wrong.

I can't wrap my head around Will's taking his own life.  I don't get it.  But then, I don't know what Will was going through.  I did look at Will's FB page.  There are no condolences from anyone.  None of his friends have posted that they miss him.  None of his friends have asked him why.  What I did see was a video post from America's Got Talent for a cover of the Radiohead song "Creep".  Makes me wonder if Will saw himself that way.  As a creep and a weirdo.

Since I learned of Will's death.  I see him everywhere!  In every face!  In everything!  Out of the corner of my eye.  That isn't the sun coming up.  It's Will.I.Am

To answer my original question.  Nah, nope, no, no, suicide is not painless.  Not for those left behind. Rest in Heaven Will.  Free from whatever made you not see that tomorrow would be another day.  Maybe a better day. 

1 comment:

Fram Actual said...

It was not too long ago that I tried to count the number of suicides I have known. I stopped after a few minutes when I began spending longer and longer thinking about each one of them individually.

All have been men, two over financial difficulties, four or five over woman problems and the others for no plausible explanation I am aware of beyond, possibly, deep depression and a degree of alcoholism.

These deaths usually can be understood logically, but never emotionally, and the very real memory of each one of them will always be with you, Boni.

Your post is very thoughtful, very well written ....