Are we afraid of what would happen if we came out from behind the picture, words, smile....? Are we afraid of our vulnerabilities? Afraid of rejection?
I started this blog as a kind of therapy. I had been hurt down to my soul, to the very core of me. I needed something to talk to....that didn't hear my sobs. There were words and actions said and done by Gerald, that haunt me. Things I wouldn't think another could say or do to someone they had loved. Things I have told no one. And, no matter how many times I sing in my head, sometimes they sing louder.
I have been told to forget him, he's no good. I think anyone reading this blog can agree he is not a good person. I don't miss Gerald. I miss being a we. I used to love being a me by myself. I used to go through life so easily, doing things as a me. Now I just tire easily.
I have been told to focus on the future. I can do that, truly. I know someday I will be over this hurt. That the scars on my soul will fade. That the core of me will be okay. I have already experienced more good days than bad. And, I know they will only get better. After all, I am living in Montana!
As for me, I used to hide behind 45 extra pounds, and hair down to the small of my back. I don't miss those things. I don't mind being exposed. And, now I am hiding less behind my smile and laughter. And I think myself only human, to have good days and bad days.
I know I have ranted and rambled in this post. But you know what? A day that started out a bad day, is turning into a good day after all. Therapy at less than whatever an hour!
3 comments:
we all hide behind something and one day when you stop hiding, someone will say why are you acting this way and you say this is the real me and they say I liked you better the old you. this is the me you get like me or leave me. I still find the old me creeping out to take a peek and I have to tell her to go away, that I am safe and loved now. Some times it is harder to forget all the abuse mentally and physically. but you get strong and stop hiding. THIS IS ME AND I LOVE MY LIFE, MY FAMILY AND I DON’T HAVE TO HIDE ANY LONGER! I do love you my little sister, witch 2 your big sister.
I'm sure a thousand people have said it to you Boni and you're probably sick of it, but you WILL feel better one day and you will find the 'old you' again (or those pieces of her that are useful and helpful to carry forward into the future anyway).
It does just take time, and a lot of it. One day at a time, there's no rush, although I know so well how it feels to want to be at the other end of the journey! Be kind to yourself on the journey - you will get there :-)
Katy,
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I never tire of hearing them really. Patience is a must. I know there are many out there that have been through the same kind of hurt,you being one of them. I feel like the little train that could....I thin I can, I think I can, I know I can make it. :o)
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