I think of so many things Gerald did to show love, even in the days just before the end of our relationship. And I understand the end less. With a lack of anything to go on, my thoughts run wild.....
.....I have several theories.
- I didn't have enough money being among the top, well 1 (with my friends and family)!! He said those kinds of things weren't important, but was always saying how much he paid for things. That something was pretty "spendy" or "pricey". He knew the price tag on all of his stuff, and this man has a lot of stuff. I've never been into stuff. I'm not impressed by shiny things, or big toys.*
- Gerald was afraid I would end the relationship, so he beat me to it. That is based on something he said a few weeks prior. I had no plans to end our relationship, I was deeply in love. My plan was to show him when we were in our 80's, that I was in it for the long haul. I was going to say, "See I didn't leave! I didn't change my mind! We have been together all of these years, I am still here, and I still love you."
- Was it that I made him feel bad. Only on two occasions before the end. Not intentionally, or knowingly. I guess he just felt bad because of his conscience, not because of what I said or did. He said he didn't like that I made him feel bad about his hurting me. He told me once that he saw our friendship falling apart, because I was making him feel bad about what had happened between us. Is that the same as I don't want to play with you anymore, I'm taking my toys and going home? Paaalllllleeeeaaaasssseeee!! Oh, and there was the time I had told Gerald I looked into homeless shelters, you know to cover all my bases. He told me I shouldn't have told him that, because it made him feel bad. That was not my intention. I realized at that moment, it was okay for Gerald to make you feel bad, but don't make him feel bad. Remember, it is all about him.
- There were two Gerald's. The one I met on line, the Gerald he wanted to be. The one I fell in love with, and met when I flew out to meet him in May. The one that said he didn't drink, didn't smoke, ate healthy, didn't like going to town, didn't like hanging out in bars, wanted a woman that would stay home at night, etc. He had told me that I made it easy for him to be the kind of man he wanted to be. Then there was the Gerald I met after a few weeks of living here. The one that smoked, drank and did the things he said he hated. That Gerald was easier to be, because it didn't involve change. He was more comfortable being that Gerald.**
He said he was looking for a crazy, madly in love kind of love. He didn't feel that with me. Here's me thinking, you had that with Psycho! You still divorced her! So, how could I trust that if he were crazy, madly, in love with me that we would still be together.
I gave him stability, from what he had told me it didn't sound like he had much in his life. The house was clean and dishes done when he came home from work. I met him with a smile, a hug, and a how was your day. He had told me that his ex-wife (#2) didn't do things around the house. He told me Psycho didn't do things in the house. So, I did. I cleaned, kept things picked up, did the laundry, fed the critters, helped when he needed a hand. (I had told him I wasn't a domestic Goddess.)
* I have no doubt that I am the wealthiest person Gerald knows. Not because I make a lot of money (ouch! I just picked myself up off the floor from laughing at that one), because I don't. But, because I have a great sense of self. I have wonderful friends and family. I can look at myself in the mirror, and like what I see. I have a love of myself. I am compassionate about all living things. I enjoy the simple things. I am a good person.
**I know, from experience, that it is easier to be who we are than to make the changes that make us a better person. I never asked Gerald to be anyone. I would never, I repeat never, ask anyone to change for me. Heck, relationships are hard enough as it is, why add the possibility of resentment for making the other person be someone you want them to be.