Hugs and secret admirers

I got the most awesome gift in the mail yesterday. The return address said, "Secret Admirer". It was from my grand nephew Austin. He lives in Michigan. One day I was instant messaging him, and asked him for a hug. So, he made me one and sent it. I think that is the coolest thing.

Austin and I have a special relationship. He would come with my sister, his brother and sister every year to Wisconsin during Easter break. We formed a bond that I hope will last well into both of our older years. I love Austin very much.

That is not to say I don't love his sister, Amber, and his brother, Trenton. But, Austin has the ability to feel your pain, and want to protect you. He is going to make someone very happy someday, because he is going to be a good man when he grows up.

Words of comfort...

...that don't quite do the job. Thanks to all that helped me with this list.

10. Time heals all wounds.
9. Love is blind, and you were blinded.
8. Get a grip, it's just a man.
7. If you are that lonely, find someone else the Internet is full of losers.
6. Pull yourself up by your boot strings.
5. Find yourself, know yourself and love will find you.
4. Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.
3. He's a nice guy, but he doesn't know what he wants.
2. He goes through women like most people go through underwear.

Drum roll please!! The number 1 words of comfort that didn't quite do the job....

1. I have a new lady friend, I hope that doesn't make you sad, but I'm very happy!!!

Actually, my sister Barb sent me words that were comforting. Barb told me that love is not instant. She said that two visits and a bunch of phone calls does not constitute a relationship. A relationship matures over years of companionship, with verbal sparing, caring, tragedy and a firm ground of knowing how each other ticks.

Barb also said, love comes in many forms. What I had is now what it was, let it go. Barb said to free myself of the bitterness, or it will poison me from finding new love. Thanks Barb, I love you.

The smell of dead

A few weeks ago, I went to Gerald's to see my boy, Patch. I didn't cry when I got there, like I thought I would. He had gotten bigger! When he came over to me, he wasn't sure at first. Then after a quick sniff of my hand, he wanted to climb up my leg. Of course I picked him up, and cuddled him for quite a bit.

I went up on the hill where Gerald's dogs exist, and petted them too. Shelby was very happy to see me. The only one I didn't go see was Gimpy the cow. We called her Gimpy because she had been injured and walked kind of crippled.

I had left some DVD's at Gerald's. So he and I went in the house to get them. Among his stuff, Gerald has a beautiful house. When I walked in I was struck by an awful odor. As if he hadn't flushed the toilet in three weeks. When I lived there, the house didn't stink. At the time, I couldn't figure out what the smell was. After a couple of days I realized the odor was the smell of dead. Gerald's house was dead. There was no soul. No life in it. How sad is that?

My first Fallinter in Montana

I moved to Montana from Northern Wisconsin. Sixty miles south of Lake Superior, where we frequently got lake effect snow. So, I am no stranger to snow in the Fall, Winter, or cold. They had snow before Halloween this year.

Here in the part of Montana I call home, we got our first stick-on-the-ground-more-than-a-dusting snowfall the other day. It wasn't enough for me to make a snow angel, which disappoints me a bit. I love to make snow angels! I need there to be lots of snow, so I don't feel like I am laying on the ground. I want to feel like I am floating on a cloud of snow. Plus at my age, it is getting harder to get up off the ground, once I get down. My baby brother says I am at the fall down and break my hip stage.

I love winter. I could spend hours outside shoveling snow. When I was a kid, we had snowmobiles. I would spend hours and hours riding a snowmobile in the field across from my grandparents' house. My mom would have to demand that I stop long enough for her check me for frostbite. Then I would be off riding again. I have some really awesome memories of family snowmobile trips. Sigh, what fun.

In Wisconsin I took care of my brother's dog, Mozes. When I would go outside to make snow angels, Mozes would go with me. He was a Rottweiler/Black Lab mix. Not a small dog. That is important to know, because when I would be laying in the snow, making a snow angel, Mozes thought it was play time. He would run and jump on me. I can laugh about it now, because all of the bruises have healed. Heavy sigh, fun stuff.

I'm trainable

Where I am living, the homeowners have a dog named Samantha. She is part cocker spaniel and I think some kind of lab. She is a really sweet dog. The other day she taught me a new trick (like I said, I'm trainable). Usually when Sam wants in, she'll scratch at the door to my apartment. The other evening, I heard a scratch at the door. I opened the door, and there was no Sam. So, I checked the door that goes from the apartment to the house, and there she was.....wagging her tail. She walked to the pantry door, and wanted me to give her a treat. Of course I did!! Sam is funny, and she is a good people trainer. I like that in a dog.

They also have a kitten. Her name is Stickers. I sometimes really think she should be called Spaz, because of the way she runs and bounces off of the walls. She is cute, and yes, sometimes her eyes do glow red....even if no flash is going off. Yesterday she tried to jump up on my shoulder. I am not tall, but she couldn't jump that high. Pretty funny stuff.

Update 12/27/08:
I almost forgot to mention Oakley. He is the neighbors yellow lab. I've been told he is about a year old. He is a big puppy, with really long legs. I guess you could call Oakley the neighborhood barker/protector. He barks when anyone comes in the yard here. Then backs off if challenged. I hear too, that Oakley is a thief, if you leave anything of value laying around, he takes it home with him. So far, I haven't lost anything to Oaks. Oakley is full of energy, and lots of times when he comes over for a visit, he runs full throttle around the yard. Oakley is a good face washer.

Hate, what is it good for?

Hate - verb (used with an object), to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest; to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.

I admit, I have used the word hate too much lately. So much so, that I am tired of hating or saying I hate Gerald. I don't hate him, and probably never did. I was hurt and lashing out. Besides, I didn't like what the hate was doing to me. The person I was becoming, because I used the word hate.

I hear other people use the word hate. Some people say how they hate another person, because of the other person's behavior. I observe these people. What I often see is the hater doing the same behaviors the hatee does. It makes me wonder, does the hater hate themselves? Or, do they not realize they are doing the behavior too?

So, I am done hating. I don't like it, don't wanna do it anymore. When I catch myself starting to say I hate something, or hate Gerald, I stop myself. When it comes down to it, Gerald probably couldn't give a damn if I hate him or not. And, if it isn't going to hurt him a little bit, why should I hurt myself by feeling it? (I'm sure there have been research studies done on the affects of hate on a person's health....I love myself too much to get sick over him).

Lots to be thankful for

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. This year I have much to be thankful for. Every morning I wake up above the sod. I have the most wonderful friends that love me, and care about my well being. I have a great family that loves me, and supported me when I decided to move to Montana (even tho it hurt them deeply). I am living in Montana (truly God's country). I see the mountains every day! I am less than 50 miles from Glacier NP!

I am thankful that I am a strong woman. I will make it in Montana. I am thankful I have not become jaded or bitter. I know I will find a good man. A man that is honest with me and himself. A man that is caring and giving. A man that wants a woman to love him from her soul. A man that has left his baggage at the curb. Oh, and I am thankful I haven't lost my sense of humor.

Please, leave your baggage at the curb

I don't bring much baggage from relationship to relationship. I don't intend to judge other men by who or what Gerald is.

I can't say Gerald does the same. I got the strong impression, that he never intends to let go of his baggage, or the hurt inflicted on him by his past relationships. Whether the hurt be changing their mind, doing something vicious, or whatever wrong he believes it was. Let it go! How can you move forward when you are dragging such a heavy load around with you?

I feel that was very unfair to me (I know, I know, life isn't always fair). Seems like I was frequently tested to see if I would react to things the way his exes did. I would mentally wipe my brow and say whew after passing each test, thinking it would be the last. Only to be tested again. I am different than those women. The only thing we ever had in common was loving Gerald.

One day a realization hit me like a Mack truck!! I had been so busy not being Gerald's exes, that I forgot to be myself. How sad is that, because I am funny, smart, sincere, honest, kind, (my friends tell me wonderful [blush], and the list of my attributes goes on and on. I am a great catch:o)

Why do I write about these things?

Because they befuddle me. I am not a stupid woman, nor am I naive in the ways of the world. I have often wondered how people that were in love, can fall out of love and at times even hate each other. Were they truly in love? What, what goes wrong? I'm sure there have been research studies done.

I think of so many things Gerald did to show love, even in the days just before the end of our relationship. And I understand the end less. With a lack of anything to go on, my thoughts run wild.....

.....I have several theories.

• I didn't have enough money being among the top, well 1 (with my friends and family)!! He said those kinds of things weren't important, but was always saying how much he paid for things. That something was pretty "spendy" or "pricey". He knew the price tag on all of his stuff, and this man has a lot of stuff. I've never been into stuff. I'm not impressed by shiny things, or big toys.*
  

• Gerald was afraid I would end the relationship, so he beat me to it. That is based on something he said a few weeks prior. I had no plans to end our relationship, I was deeply in love. My plan was to show him when we were in our 80's, that I was in it for the long haul. I was going to say, "See I didn't leave! I didn't change my mind! We have been together all of these years, I am still here, and I still love you."
  

• Was it that I made him feel bad. Only on two occasions before the end. Not intentionally, or knowingly. I guess he just felt bad because of his conscience, not because of what I said or did. He said he didn't like that I made him feel bad about his hurting me. He told me once that he saw our friendship falling apart, because I was making him feel bad about what had happened between us. Is that the same as I don't want to play with you anymore, I'm taking my toys and going home? Paaalllllleeeeaaaasssseeee!! Oh, and there was the time I had told Gerald I looked into homeless shelters, you know to cover all my bases. He told me I shouldn't have told him that, because it made him feel bad. That was not my intention. I realized at that moment, it was okay for Gerald to make you feel bad, but don't make him feel bad. Remember, it is all about him.
  

• There were two Gerald's. The one I met on line, the Gerald he wanted to be. The one I fell in love with, and met when I flew out to meet him in May. The one that said he didn't drink, didn't smoke, ate healthy, didn't like going to town, didn't like hanging out in bars, wanted a woman that would stay home at night, etc. He had told me that I made it easy for him to be the kind of man he wanted to be. Then there was the Gerald I met after a few weeks of living here. The one that smoked, drank and did the things he said he hated. That Gerald was easier to be, because it didn't involve change. He was more comfortable being that Gerald.**
  

Then I have a belief, not a theory, that Gerald doesn't know what love really is. I loved him unconditionally! Totally! I don't think he had ever before experienced the kind of love that comes from the soul of a woman. That was the kind of love I had for Gerald. Maybe that is a scary kind of love.

He said he was looking for a crazy, madly in love kind of love. He didn't feel that with me. Here's me thinking, you had that with Psycho! You still divorced her! So, how could I trust that if he were crazy, madly, in love with me that we would still be together.

I gave him stability, from what he had told me it didn't sound like he had much in his life. The house was clean and dishes done when he came home from work. I met him with a smile, a hug, and a how was your day. He had told me that his ex-wife (#2) didn't do things around the house. He told me Psycho didn't do things in the house. So, I did. I cleaned, kept things picked up, did the laundry, fed the critters, helped when he needed a hand. (I had told him I wasn't a domestic Goddess.)

* I have no doubt that I am the wealthiest person Gerald knows. Not because I make a lot of money (ouch! I just picked myself up off the floor from laughing at that one), because I don't. But, because I have a great sense of self. I have wonderful friends and family. I can look at myself in the mirror, and like what I see. I have a love of myself. I am compassionate about all living things. I enjoy the simple things. I am a good person.

**I know, from experience, that it is easier to be who we are than to make the changes that make us a better person. I never asked Gerald to be anyone. I would never, I repeat never, ask anyone to change for me. Heck, relationships are hard enough as it is, why add the possibility of resentment for making the other person be someone you want them to be.

Kittens

For me the loss has been more than the man I loved, left my family and friends for and moved 1500 miles to be with. I loved living in the mountains, with trees all around. I also love(d) the cats and kittens, there were 13 in all. Yep, 13, three Mom cats, their nine kittens and the Pa cat that lived under one of the out buildings.

I named them all when I first moved here. The Moms were Momma, Boots and Cow Cat. The kittens were Stinker, Fluffy, Twin, It, Digger, Patch, Spot, Tiger and Hissy. Then there was Pa Cat, he was the daddy to all the kittens.

Spot was the most social. Stinker and Fluffy were adopted out. Patch, I was his girl. He was very shy at first. Then one day he adopted me. In the mornings, I would hold him on the front porch after breakfast. He would purr and fall asleep. Digger is the most beautiful cat I have ever seen.

One time I came home from work and Gerald showed me a new gun he had bought. I asked him what a person would shoot with that gun, he said "Cats." On my last morning there, I told Gerald I had a dream he shot the cats. I asked him if he was going to shoot the cats. He didn't answer. So, I asked him again. He said no. I told him I still planned on getting Patch fixed and taking him with me.

One night, I was talking to Gerald's friend, my landlord, about cats. I asked him if Gerald had shot the cats. He said not yet. I asked him what he meant by not yet. He said Gerald wouldn't shoot the cats.

I would love to go back to see the kittens. Patch is who I miss the most. I haven't gone back because I know I would cry when I left him again. As I told you, I lost more.

Is it forever already?!?

I wasn't prepared for an end. More than once, I had told Gerald I would not accept anything less than forever, and he said yes, nothing less than forever. I didn't know forever was so short!!

On my last night at Gerald's, I was there to pack the rest of my things. I had an ideal pictured in my head that we would talk. (Sometimes I really crack myself up.) He was out, as he had been most nights in those last couple of weeks.

When he came home, I was on the phone with a friend. I had the football game on. I hung up from my phone call. Told him hello. He went in the bedroom and changed clothes, then came out into the living room and laid on the couch. I could smell the whiskey from across the room. He fell asleep. I figured there would be no talking. No closure. No discussion about what made it end.

Gerald's big thing when we first started our relationship, was "communication". He had to be with a woman that was willing to communicate. Get outside help if things went wrong. All things I was very willing to do. During our relationship, we didn't communicate. We talked, but not about deep level things. I thought things were going well. Oh, we had our ups and downs, what couple doesn't?

Come to think of it, the only time we had deep level communication was when we would instant message each other, before I moved to Montana. We would talk on the phone, and not talk about the same things we talked about when we instant messaged each other. I still wonder why that was. I even brought it to his attention more than once.

I know communication goes both ways. I could have started some of the conversations I wanted to have. But, I think I realized early on, that it was about Gerald and what he wanted to talk about. And, maybe, just maybe I was afraid of what might be said.

The porch swing II

On Monday, November 3, 2008, I moved out. I asked Gerald (that's his name), if I could have the porch swing, since the cats and I were the only ones that sat on it. He said no. Without hesitation. Without a reason. I know him well enough to know the swing means nothing to him. It is just something for him to add to the rest of his "stuff".

He said he would make me another one sometime this winter. I learned how to tell when he is lying.

I live in a place where the porch swing would look great on the porch here. I could use it, instead of having it hang on his porch....unused. Collecting dust like the rest of his stuff.

Things I found out

I have been crushed by the lies of this man. In the months since I started this blog, I have seen that not only is he a liar, but he likes to drink as well.

Did I mention, he hadn't told me he was married before I moved out here? All he would tell me is that he had "trust" issues. He wouldn't go into detail before I moved to Montana. I can tell you we talked for hours, and hours, and hours. Never once did he say, "I'm married and have filed for divorce." He just told me he couldn't talk about the trust issues, until I was out here by him.

I was here a couple of days when I asked him what the trust issue was. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to know. I said yes. I know as sure as I am sitting here, typing this, that he would not have told me otherwise. Then he told me he was married. He told me they hadn't lived together since about August 2007. She had moved her things back to her house. He called her "Psycho Bitch". Said she was evil and had done the most vicious thing to him he had ever experienced in his life.

I was devastated. But, we were in love. So, I continued the relationship. We did a lot of things together. Picked mushrooms for hours, shopped, hiked, laughed, loved, gardened.

Seems like once his soon to be ex-wife came back to town, things changed between us. Oh, she had been in California fighting wild fires for the summer.

Another thing that seemed to change things between us was that I got a job. Not the one he wanted me to get, but it was good for paying my bills. I really thought my having a job would be a good thing. He had told me how is ex-wife, soon to be ex-wife and other girlfriends hadn't worked. I thought, how refreshing this must be for this man, a woman that works!! Silly me.

The porch swing

I told "him" about a song I used as an anthem on a quest I was on to find Mr. Forever. The song is "Drift Off To Dream" by Travis Tritt. In it there is a line about a porch swing. "He" went out and bought the CD. Said he cried when he heard the song. That it was his anthem too. He was on a quest to find Ms. Forever. And then he built me a porch swing.

My story is simple

Yep, it is simple. I met a guy, we fell in love, and I moved 1500 miles away from family and friends to be with him. Only for him to decide he wasn't in love with me. Well, it took him a couple of months to decide that. To say I was devastated is, well an understatement for sure.

I got the I love you like a friend, but I'm not in love with you speech. I want us to be friends because we think alike and like to do the same things. Huh!!??!!

I'll go back to the beginning. In January I joined eHarmony for what I hoped was the last time in my life. I had joined off and on for a couple of years. And, each time I joined, I got sick to my stomach....because, I dreaded the process. In January it was different. I felt I was going to succeed this time. I wasn't sick to my stomach.

The middle of February, I was matched with "him". I saw something in his face, his shy smile, his profile caught my attention. I had been matched over my time on eHarmony with almost 1,000 men. This guy stood out. So, for only the second time in my eHarmony history, I initiated contact. I wanted to get to know this man.

As with my matches that I communicate with, I checked other dating sites, to see if he was out there trolling. I found him on Yahoo Personals. His profile was kind of the same, a little more detail. On eHarmony he said he didn't smoke, on Yahoo Personals he said he smoked sometimes. I know that seems minor, but I have asthma and couldn't even think of being around smoke. He also said on eHarmony that he only drank a few times a year, you'll read later why this is important.

It took him a few weeks to answer my first set of questions. I nudged him, because I really wanted to get to know him. I felt he was the "one". And he lived in a part of the country I was totally in love with, Montana. Glacier NP is my favorite place on earth.