He must have been the Marlboro man

You know the guy I mean. Wearing a cowboy hat, and riding the open range, on his trusty steed. With a Marlboro tucked firmly between his lips. Except this guy was a postman, and instead of a trusty steed he was driving a mail delivery truck. Oh, and there was no cowboy hat, or open range. There was a cigarette tucked, okay well more like dangling from his lips.

On my way to work, I saw a drama unfold that was worthy of I don't know, some kind of home video show. I had stopped behind the postman, on a busy side street, because I wanted to get a phone number off of a sign. He was putting mail in street side mailboxes. He got out of his truck and walked up to a residence, that was clearly empty. When he got back in his truck, he backed up to remove mail from one of the boxes.

Here is where I still can't believe what I saw. Here's the drama. As he was taking the mail out of the box, he was still inside his truck. The truck started to roll forward. He's still attached to the street side mailboxes. After being dragged for a short distance, he gets pulled out of the truck, falls, knocks over the mailboxes, sees his truck still rolling forward, gets up, and runs after the truck, which had stopped because it hit a sign post.

I jumped out of my truck and asked him if he was okay. He got back in his truck, without saying a word. He tried to back up to get away from the sign, but the tires spun on ice. After he got unstuck, he drove down to a gas station parking lot a short distance away. I thought he would come back, and I would help him upright the mailboxes. Next thing I look, and he is driving away around a corner!

With the cigarette still dangling from his lips!

Songs that run through my head

There are places I remember all my life
Though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
Of lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I loved them all

As I was sitting here, pondering what to write, this song popped into my head. I don't know if I am un-American, but I never was much of a Beatles fan. So, why this song came to me, I just don't have any idea. I like the song tho.

Some mornings I wake up with "Don't Worry, Be Happy", playing in my brain. I know why that plays. As I've said before, I believe in things that go bump in the night, guardian angels and such. In recent months, I have been going through things that, well lets just say I was getting ready to measure my truck windows for curtains. I believe my guardian angels remind me of the Don't Worry, Be Happy song, so I know things will be okay.

Today at work, Devo's "Whip It" was going through my head. I was even doing a techno dance, you know kind of Devo-ish. I know in past posts I have mentioned the muzak at work. Yep, it still moves me, still gets my head to bobbin' and my booty to shakin'. I am starting to care less and less who is around at the moment I am moved. I don't blush as much anymore. Sometimes, when I know no one can hear me, I sing out loud.

I think a lot. I mean, non-stop, cramp my brain a lot. So, when my thoughts are keeping me awake at night, in my head I sing "Row Row Your Boat". At times I can even get the left side of my brain starting it earlier than the right side, the way it is supposed to be sung. I'm not sure why that song works, but it does. I recently found alternative lyrics to the song:

Propel, Propel, Propel your craft
Placidly down the liquid solution
Ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically,
Existence is but an illusion.

I think I'll stick with the old lyrics, because the new ones would keep me awake trying to remember them!

For more years than I can remember the Judd song "Why Not Me", has often played in my head. I've often asked myself that question when a relationship didn't work. Why not me? I've never gotten, or come up with an answer. Okay, sing it with me, row row row.....

Seeing stars!

I have heard from people at work that a lot of celebrities have homes (big homes) in the Flathead Lake area of Montana. Why just the other day my boss saw Wayne Newton, and his entourage at a restaurant in Big Fork. How cool is that? And one of the women at work said she was speechless when she saw Jack Hanna (yep, the zoo guy). I've heard so many names of celebrities my co-workers have seen, that I can't remember who they were.

In the past, I've seen a celebrity or two. I once saw Arte Johnson in the airport in Detroit. I came across his autograph while I was looking for the gorilla picture. I got the Statler Brothers' autographs when I saw them at the Milwaukee County Fair one year.

At work, besides seeing the odd (and I do mean odd) guy wearing his hair like Elvis, I was coming up celebrity sight-less. I am happy to report I have had my own celebrity sighting. Yep, one day at work I swore I saw Troy Evans. I pointed him out to people, and they said that it was Troy Evans. Pretty exciting stuff!

Who is Troy Evans? Is that what I hear you asking? Well, he is none other than Sgt. Pepper from China Beach! He also plays Frank Martin on ER, and has had numerous other parts according to his info on IMDB. I wondered what he would be doing in Kalispell, MT. Well, it turns out he is from Kalispell. Wow, is right.

Myself, I prefer to look at other stars. The kinds found in constellations. The ones found in the night sky. I used to know the names of more stars when I was younger. Like the big and little dippers. My dad used to point them out to us when we were kids. Now that I live in "Big Sky" country, away from the light pollution of the city, I see many amazing stars for sure.

I ain't never been a princess...

...So, I cannot grow up to be a queen.

It's true, I can't remember a time in my life when I was called a princess. I guess when you are the youngest of three girls, the older ones get to be princesses. I was, and still am, a punkin.

I've been thinking about a time my grandmother on my mom's side and I went to California together. It was just before I went into college. Grandma and I were pretty close. It was back in the day when you wrote letters, and we exchanged quite a few. Anyway, Grandma and I went to visit my aunt, uncle and cousins in San Jose. They had moved out there nine, or so, years earlier.

My favorite memory from that trip was when my uncle took Grandma and me to San Francisco. We walked around the city some. Down by the wharf. Then we came across a gorilla playing the saxophone. How cool was that!! So cool that I had my picture taken with him!

Wow, I'm back. I just took a short trip down memory lane. I went to look through some boxes of photographs for the gorilla picture. I didn't find that picture (it must be with some of my stuff in Wisconsin), but oh the pictures of loved ones now gone that I did find. Sigh!

Ahhhhh, I was on a roll

What an awesome day I had! A beautiful, sun shiny day in western Montana is not to be wasted indoors. So, I put some blueberries, a banana and water in a bag and headed off to Glacier NP. Oh, the joy and peace in my heart I feel when I turn on to Going To The Sun Road, most heavy, happy sigh.

It was the first time I had been to Glacier in the winter. And, although I didn't get into the heart of the park (closer to Logan Pass), I still wanted to cry at the beauty. There were only two places open, Apgar Village and the Lake McDonald area. Since I made my first snow angel the other night, I knew Glacier would be a good place to make more. I was on a roll. I made snow angels in both places. A way of leaving my mark, without leaving a lasting impression.

If you have never had a chance to visit Glacier NP in person, I recommend you check out their web cams at www.nps.gov/glac/photosmultimedia/webcams.htm. It isn't by any stretch of the imagination the next best thing to being there, but the cams do capture some of the beauty that is my favorite place on earth.

Tonight I am smiling. My heart is smiling. And, life is good.

Last chance before Spring

Last night when I got home from work, I decided to make a snow angel. I had been kind of bummed that I hadn't had a chance to make one this year. In an earlier post, I said I would need a lot of snow, a cloud of snow, to make my snow angel on. Well, as winter passed I realized that just weren't gonna happen.

In my humble opinion I made one of my best snow angels in a long time. (I didn't even have as much trouble getting up, as I thought I would.)

I know some would say that at my age, I have no business getting down on the ground, playing like a child! To those naysayers, I say hoooey! I spend enough hours in a day, week, month, year, lifetime, being a grown-up, doing grown-up things, making grown-up decisions. So, the few moments I lay in the snow, and move my arms and legs in a rhythmic motion, with the spirit of a child, the better for me. Everyone should try it, it'll make you giggle. (By the way, I am ageless, at least in my own mind.)

Tsk, tsk, what's to become of this

The animals had rights - the right of a man's protection, the right to live, the right to multiply, the right to freedom, and the right to man's indebtedness - and in recognition of these rights the Lakota never enslaved an animal, and spared all life that was not needed for food and clothing.

This concept of life and its relations with humanizing, and gave to the Lakota an abiding love. It filled his being with joy and mystery of living; it gave him reverence for all life; it made a place for all things in the scheme of existence with equal importance to all. Chief Luther Standing Bear, Oglala Sioux.

This weekend there will be a wolf protest at the fairgrounds in Kalispell. The ad in the local trade paper called for all hunters to "Be there or don't complain!" Some around these parts are saying the number of elk, deer and other game is down, because of the wolf population. I especially like the line that says, "Participate at your own risk". I'm wondering if that is for the pro-wolf folks that might show up.

I am a pro-wolf folk. I am also a pro-hunting folk, (I bow hunted for a couple of seasons). I have read a lot of info on wolves in my life, and watched documentaries. I've even watched hunting/outdoors programs. I have visited the International Wolf Center in Ely, MN, a couple of times (I still do via the 'net). I believe we can learn from wolves, (as well as other animals and nature).

It's not as though a wolf can go to a supermarket and buy a favorite cut of meat. A hunter can, and most likely he or a member of his family does. A pack of wolves doesn't go for a trophy "rack", as some hunters do. A wolf kills what it needs to survive.

My dad told me a story about when he and my mom had a young family, and money and food were scarce. He said they were hungry. He said he went out into the woods to hunt for meat, so his young family could eat. He said he prayed that he would get a deer, and when he looked up there was a good sized deer within shooting distance. He said the deer saw him, and lowered its head as if to say I am yours to feed your family. The deer gave of itself, so my parents, their young family and my grandparents could eat.

Maybe the problem is not dwindling elk and deer populations. Or, a growing, thriving wolf population. Maybe its not even a growing hunting/human population. I don't know. There must be a way to have balance.

I don't mean for this post to become a pissing contest to prove which side is right. No one wins that way, we all just end up getting wet. I do believe in the rights of We the People. The whole life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness thing is me. I also believe the other living things on our planet have rights too. We aren't smarter than they are. We don't dominate them. Nor, do we own them.

Okay, I'm stepping down and putting my soap box away now. Have a good day.

duck, duck, gOOOse

The other day at work some people told me about a wonderful little nature oasis in Kalispell, called Woodland Park. I had been told to buy a loaf of bread, because there were ducks and geese to feed. So, with a loaf of whole wheat french bread under my arm, I headed off to Woodland Park.

The park was pretty, with snow and trees. There were some really awesome hills that would be great to sled down. I walked up one path, along the frozen water, wondering how there could be ducks and geese there. As I walked back to my truck, I heard what sounded like ducks-a-quackin'. I took another path, following the noise. There I saw an open body of water, with hundreds of ducks and geese on it. More like two or three hundred (who could count, they moved around so much).

I walked up to the waters edge, where I was approached by a female goose. She seemed friendly enough, and sure was not afraid of me. I hand fed her some of the bread. When the other geese and some of the ducks saw her eating, I was suddenly the most popular girl in the park. Most of the geese that I hand fed were cool, they kept their beaks away from my fingers. But, don't you know, there is one in every bunch and that one beaked my fingers too many times. So I stopped feeding her. The original female would wait patiently for her next piece of bread, she looked at me as if she knew something about human beings. Something most humans don't even know.

I took pictures. I even used my digital camera to make a video. When I looked down with my camera, there was a gander, taking a gander at me. I think he was wondering what the heck I was doing. What the big deal was. He probably figured if you've seen one goose or duck, you've seen them all.

I've since heard some interesting stories about the Spring time goings on with the ducks in Woodland Park. Stories of duck rapes, and female ducks dying from too much male duck attention. So, although I'll go back, I don't think it will be in the Spring. Okay, maybe once.

A woman at work told me about a time she took her son to the park, and she was chased back to her car, by 25 ducks and geese. She said she even had red marks on her legs from the Hitchcockian birds attacking her. She said they made her so upset, she dropped her keys. Then she was afraid a duck or goose would get the keys and fly away. I guess it has been long enough ago that she can laugh about it now. So, I laughed (at) with her.

Oh, snnniiiifffff, the smell is so intoxicating

I've talked about my favorite blings, now I'll talk about intoxicating things.

Again things that intoxicate me are simple. I'm not talking about half a shot of Sambuca or the neck of a bottle of Leinie Berryweis kinds of intoxication either.

A guy at work gave me the pictured rose, it was a left over from Valentines day and headed for the dumpster with the other 11. It is a beautiful rose, and yes the smell is intoxicating. Just imagine what would happen if I had a dozen, (I wonder with a twinkle in my eyes and a shy smile).

I also get intoxicated by the smell of a forest. If the forest floor is wet, that is a different smell than if it is dry. They both make me want to fall down on my face and inhale deeply! Ahhh, mmm, sigh. I can remember the smell of the forest from when I was young and would go to Grandparents' houses in Northern Wisconsin. It smelled the same as an adult, and made me remember those parts of my childhood. It's amazing how smells/aromas can trigger memories. I have been in Cracker Barrel restaurants, and although the smell was not intoxicating, it did remind me of my Grandparent's house in Peeksville, WI.

Oh, and what the mountains do to my head! It's a wonder I don't have more problems driving to work or town, because there are mountains all around. The rugged peaks, that speak of Mother Earth's fury, are just so, well they make me dizzily intoxicated. That must be why I love Glacier NP so much, the free buzz I feel when I am there.

Here is a list of a few other things that, to me, are intoxicating (I'm sure there will be some that agree). The smell of lilacs (I even use lilac scented detergent). The laughter of children. The beauty that is all nature. Being in love. Kisses, the long lingering kind. Spinning as fast as you can on the merry-go-round. Life, oh sweet intoxication.

It was wondermous I tell ya

With the help of the wonders of technology, today I got to see my elderly parents (they live in Wisconsin), for the first time since I moved to Montana almost eight months ago. Yep, we visited on the web cam. I was a bit apprehensive at first, because I thought they might look ill, or not the way I remembered them looking. I am happy to report they looked great! We had a nice visit. I showed them how much snow we don't have here, and they told me how much more snow they do have there. Ain't technology wonderful?!?

Going back to my favorite music memory post....The other day I had called my folks to ask them about Grandma's yodeling. My dad said he had been thinking about my grandparents a lot lately. He also told me that my grandma could sing and play the piano. That was the first I had heard of it! He said my grandma's family was all musical. Dad told me how when he was a lad (his word), the neighbors from across the road would come and get water from his family's well. He said many a time my grandma would be playing the piano and singing, and they would look outside to see the neighbors standing there listening to Grandma. What an awesome memory.

These are a few of my favorite blings

In an earlier post, I said I wasn't impressed by shiny things, or big toys. While it is true about the big toys, I have to come clean about some shiny things that do impress me. Simple things really. Only one of them costs money (lots of course).

I love when the moonlight coming through the bedroom window tickles my palm to wake me up, beckoning me to come out and play. Or, the way the sunlight sparkles on freshly fallen snow, like millions of tiny diamonds (natural bling). Same with the moonlight bright enough to sparkle on the freshly fallen snow. Or, the sun coming up behind the mountains, making them look as if they are on fire. Oh, and the sun going down behind the mountains is something I also love. And the sunlight dancing all blingy on the water, that is something that is a favorite of mine. Has it ever been so cold where you live that the moisture in the air has frozen to little ice crystals? You feel like you are walking through sparkly, blingy diamonds. Yes, I love that too.

She wasn't "Psycho" after all

No, I really believe she was just a woman scorned.

In an earlier post, I mentioned Gerald's 3rd wife, the one he called "Psycho Bitch". I've been thinking about old #3 lately, and the so called "vicious" (by Gerald's definition, certainly not mine) thing he said she did to him.

Gerald and #3 only lived together a few months after they were married. He told me she moved out and back into her own house. He said he remained friends with her, and would spend time talking with her, doing things for her, etc.

The following January, he had placed an ad on Yahoo Personals. I think it was in February that a woman intiated contact with him. They e-mailed and IM each other for four weeks, but never met or talked on the phone. By March he was in love with her. I mean in l-o-v-e, even tho he hadn't really seen pictures of her or anything. They made plans to meet 100 miles away in Missoula, at the airport, even tho the woman was supposed to be from the Kalispell area (40 miles from his house).

So he goes down to Missoula to meet his love (still never having talked to her on the phone or meeting her in person). He gets to the airport, and she does not get off the plane. There is no such flight. So he waits for the next flight, nope, nothing. He drives home to find the lock cut on his gate. His computer was damaged and things were missing. Turns out #3 had posed as the woman.

Now, I'm not saying what she did was right or wrong. I can't say if revenge is a good or bad thing. BUT, damn the thought that went into getting even with him!! They were still married. Imagine finding out your husband has an ad on a personals web site. Imagine your husband telling you about a woman he is communicating with. Imagine hearing your husband talk about how wonderful that woman is.

Maybe I am a little envious that I didn't think of some way to get even. Some way to hurt him as bad as he hurt me. But, alas, I'm not that way. There are higher powers that will take care of that kind of thing. For now, I would just like to say to #3, "You go girl!"

Is that the sound of a siren I hear?

There is a driving phenomenon in Montana that still amazes me after all of these months. There are actually times I shake my head in wonderment. It is people driving through red lights. Seems like the lights have even been timed, so that after the traffic light for one direction turns red, there is a delay before the other direction turns green. I've seen people drive through a light when they had a block's distance to stop!! I've never seen an accident, which is lucky. Come to think of it, I've never seen a cop with someone stopped near an intersection either.

I wonder if those drivers say what I do when they go under that red light? "I'm a Montaaaannnnnnaaaaaaannnnnnn!!!!"

We were the Shangri-Las

Yep, we were. When our folks were gone in the evening we'd put on a Shangri-Las album. Then Betty, Barb and I would dress up and pretend to be the Shangri-Las. Our microphones were hair brushes. We used the stairs as a stage prop, walking down them singing. (Yes, of course, I only moved my lips.)

Betty dated a "greaser" named Dave. So, "Leader of the Pack" was a song we had to "perform" over and over and over. Betty says that even now her kids know the lyrics to the song.

Barb, Betty and I had never talked about Grandma's yodeling before I posted it as my favorite music memory. Growing up it seems each kid had their own memories, their own perspective on how life was. They both said they loved Grandma's yodeling as much as I did. I sometimes wonder why we never talked about it before. I'm glad we are talking about our memories now.

What I miss the most.

There are things I miss about being in a relationship. The most important is the touch of a man. The sweet caresses. The playful tickle on the back of my neck. The loving tug of my ear lobe. The warmth of his strong, gentle hands on my skin. Ahh, sigh.

I have a theory about what happens to skin when it is not lovingly touched by another on a regular basis. I believe lack of touch makes the skin unhealthy, wrinkled, dull and things grow on it.

The other thing, and you may find this hard to believe, is the snoring. I'm sure many a man has suffered a concussion from being biffed in the head for snoring, (I think there could be some brain damage involved). To me snoring is sweet music. A kind of symphony, that lulls me. A song that reminds me I am not alone.

What keeps the twinkle in my eye even tho I miss these things? Knowing that I will someday have them again, and the next time will be better. Deeper, dreamy sigh.

Even the dirt is pink!!

This is my first Valentines in Montana. It seems to be kind of national holiday here in the Kalispell area. I've seen lots of rough and tumble looking cowboys carrying around bouquets of flowers for their special cowgirls. I've never seen people so into a Hallmark holiday.

I work in a bakery, and yep, the dirt (on the floor) is even pink there! What a way to celebrate!! Oh, by the way, hope everyone has a nice day!

Do you believe

In the things that go bump in the night?

My sisters and I have been keeping in touch via web cams. Barb had hers, then Betty and I got ours for Christmas. It's a nice way to keep in touch with loved ones that are far away, (Barb in Florida, Betty in Michigan).

The other night, I was talking to Barb over the web cam when she told me to be still. She said she was seeing a face in front of my face on the camera. She said the face had dark eyes and a crooked mouth. Right off I knew it wasn't me, my eyes are blue and the only time my mouth is crooked is when I curl the corners up in a smile. I didn't get upset by the news of the face in front of my face. I kind of just took it in stride.

Then I looked up at Barb's image on my monitor, in time to see what looked like a dark figure walking behind her. I told her I saw someone walk behind her, (she was alone in the house). She freaked.

Now for Barb to freak at anything is funny to me. She was always the tough, tomboy. I remember one time when I was 12 she pinned me up against the wood box and proceeded to try to beat the crap out of me. I say try, because I started laughing so hard I almost wet myself, so she stopped. Also, Barb is a practicing witch, you'd think she would be used to being visited by spirits.

That reminds me of a time when we were little. Betty just had to watch the movie "I Was A Teenage Werewolf", staring a young Michael Landon. Creepy stuff. That night, I was woke from a sound sleep to my dad standing over the bed telling Barb there were no such things as werewolves. The odd thing about that is I had my own room, and Barb slept in a room with Betty. I hadn't even felt Barb crawl in bed with me. I'm still not sure what made her think she would be safer sleeping with me. The movie hadn't scared me, but it sure scared Barb. Wouldn't you know, Barb being scared is what scared me. I don't think we got much sleep the rest of the night.

Anyway, back to the things that go bump in the night. I do believe in spirits, angels, lost souls, soul mates, premonitions, psychics, gut feelings, intuitions, whatever you want to call them. I don't need scientific proof that these things exist. I don't need to read any research studies about them. There are things I just know. Do you believe?

A favorite music memory

Well, actually this is my favorite music memory. When I was a little over seven years old, my mom had my baby brudder. For this happy occasion, my grandma on my dad's side came down to stay with us for a bit. Grandma and Grandpa lived in Northern Wisconsin.

My favorite memory comes from the trip taking Grandma back home. It was back in the day when kids didn't have to be restrained in seat belts. I was sleeping in the back seat of the family station wagon. My mom, dad and Grandma were in the front seat. I woke to the sound of an Angel yodeling. It was my grandma. Oh, how she could yodel! Beautiful music came from Grandma. Sadly, Grandma died a year and a half later. Happily, the memory of waking up to her yodeling lives to this day.

Dogs howl

Like I said, I love music. I have been known in my day to belt out a song, at the top of my lungs.

When I was in kindergarten, they had a Christmas time show put on by my class. Instead of singing "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" with the rest of the kids, I skipped back and forth in front of them, wearing a fake fur Rudolph costume. The costume even had a red nose, it was cool. I was told that I got the part of Rudolph, because I was the only kid that could skip and my mom had sewn the costume.

Then when I was about 10, I participated in a Christmas play put on by the park district in the town I lived in. I got the part of an elf. I memorized my line(s) walking home with my friend. I still remember those, wait make it that line my little elf got to say, "Hehehehehehehehe". That was it. During rehearsals, when it came time to rehearse the songs, the director asked me to mouth the words.

When we would go on road trips to Northern Wisconsin, from the Chicago area, my dad would sing and us kids would join him. One time he said that one of us girls had a really pretty singing voice. I blushed, because aw gee Dad had complimented me. Turns out he was talking about Barb.

I used to have a Lhasa Apso puppy named Punk Idol. She lived with my folks, because I wasn't allowed to have a pet in my apartment. I worked midnights and would stop at my folk's house to visit Punk, while they were at work. One day I was laying on the couch, and Punk was laying on my legs. A commercial came on for a Dean Martin hits album. Since Dean Martin was one of my favorites, I started singing one of the songs. That really stirred something up in Punk, because she walked up my body, laid her little puppy belly on my mouth and started howling. I laughed so hard I almost bit her belly!!

Since then, I have told people that dogs howl when I sing.

P.S. That only stops me from singing in public. I never really understood people thinking I couldn't sing, because when I sing along to a song I sound just like the person singing it. Well, to me anyway.

Music and life

I have always loved music, always. And, throughout life have had many favorite artists/singers that have expressed just the right feelings. I know I am not the only one that feels this way, (even without reading research studies on it). I bet as you read this, you are nodding your head and making a mental list of artists and songs that have helped you through rough times, and spoke of the pain in your heart. I know there are many songs that have also spoken of the joy in my heart and happy times.

One such artist is Janis Ian. Her song "At Seventeen" was an anthem for me, as I'm sure it has been for many women. As was "The Come On".

I love all kinds of music really. Anything that gets my booty to shakin'. The other day I was standing at a machine at work. Lately at work they have had the best muzak, a really great mix of all kinds of music. Spanning many decades. So, I'm standing there, bobbing my head, shaking my hips a little, ya know just getting into the beat. I turned and there was a male customer standing there watching me. He was smiling, and I was blushing.

Ooops, I did it again!

Yep, when will I learn? I got an e-mail from Gerald the middle of December, saying he had some mail for me. It had been delivered to his PO Box, which he had let me use while I lived there.

While I stayed with Gerald after the break-up, I was not allowed to show anger or the fact that I had been badly hurt by him. It would have made him feel bad don'tcha know, and we couldn't have that. So, I saw an opportunity to tell him how badly he had hurt me, and I took it. Well, twice. I don't know if he has read the e-mails I sent him, asking him to bring me my mail. I'm thinkin' he did. I still don't have the mail. So, I'm believin' that he read the e-mails, it made him feel bad, and now my mail is history.

So, to anyone who sent mail for me to his PO Box (after November 3rd), and I haven't responded, sorry. I'm not ignoring you, really, I just don't know who you are.

A prayer for Dennis and Ramona

Tomorrow my good friend Ramona's husband will be having surgery on his heart. I want to take this time to ask anyone reading this, to say a prayer for Dennis.

An update, 01/19/09: I got an email from Ramona this morning. Dennis did not have his surgery today. While driving to Milwaukee, they hit a patch of ice, hit a pole, flipped their truck (which landed on its wheels), before coming to a stop. Dennis had to get stitches. Ramona was hurt pretty bad also. Luckily they were wearing seat belts. Not so lucky for Ramona's truck, she thinks it is totaled. I'm thinking the prayers kept them safe, sounds like things could have been worse.

Happy New Year

May 2009 be a much better year. Full of love, good friends, family and laughter!!

Hugs and secret admirers

I got the most awesome gift in the mail yesterday. The return address said, "Secret Admirer". It was from my grand nephew Austin. He lives in Michigan. One day I was instant messaging him, and asked him for a hug. So, he made me one and sent it. I think that is the coolest thing.

Austin and I have a special relationship. He would come with my sister, his brother and sister every year to Wisconsin during Easter break. We formed a bond that I hope will last well into both of our older years. I love Austin very much.

That is not to say I don't love his sister, Amber, and his brother, Trenton. But, Austin has the ability to feel your pain, and want to protect you. He is going to make someone very happy someday, because he is going to be a good man when he grows up.

Words of comfort...

...that don't quite do the job. Thanks to all that helped me with this list.

10. Time heals all wounds.
9. Love is blind, and you were blinded.
8. Get a grip, it's just a man.
7. If you are that lonely, find someone else the Internet is full of losers.
6. Pull yourself up by your boot strings.
5. Find yourself, know yourself and love will find you.
4. Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.
3. He's a nice guy, but he doesn't know what he wants.
2. He goes through women like most people go through underwear.

Drum roll please!! The number 1 words of comfort that didn't quite do the job....

1. I have a new lady friend, I hope that doesn't make you sad, but I'm very happy!!!

Actually, my sister Barb sent me words that were comforting. Barb told me that love is not instant. She said that two visits and a bunch of phone calls does not constitute a relationship. A relationship matures over years of companionship, with verbal sparing, caring, tragedy and a firm ground of knowing how each other ticks.

Barb also said, love comes in many forms. What I had is now what it was, let it go. Barb said to free myself of the bitterness, or it will poison me from finding new love. Thanks Barb, I love you.

The smell of dead

A few weeks ago, I went to Gerald's to see my boy, Patch. I didn't cry when I got there, like I thought I would. He had gotten bigger! When he came over to me, he wasn't sure at first. Then after a quick sniff of my hand, he wanted to climb up my leg. Of course I picked him up, and cuddled him for quite a bit.

I went up on the hill where Gerald's dogs exist, and petted them too. Shelby was very happy to see me. The only one I didn't go see was Gimpy the cow. We called her Gimpy because she had been injured and walked kind of crippled.

I had left some DVD's at Gerald's. So he and I went in the house to get them. Among his stuff, Gerald has a beautiful house. When I walked in I was struck by an awful odor. As if he hadn't flushed the toilet in three weeks. When I lived there, the house didn't stink. At the time, I couldn't figure out what the smell was. After a couple of days I realized the odor was the smell of dead. Gerald's house was dead. There was no soul. No life in it. How sad is that?

My first Fallinter in Montana

I moved to Montana from Northern Wisconsin. Sixty miles south of Lake Superior, where we frequently got lake effect snow. So, I am no stranger to snow in the Fall, Winter, or cold. They had snow before Halloween this year.

Here in the part of Montana I call home, we got our first stick-on-the-ground-more-than-a-dusting snowfall the other day. It wasn't enough for me to make a snow angel, which disappoints me a bit. I love to make snow angels! I need there to be lots of snow, so I don't feel like I am laying on the ground. I want to feel like I am floating on a cloud of snow. Plus at my age, it is getting harder to get up off the ground, once I get down. My baby brother says I am at the fall down and break my hip stage.

I love winter. I could spend hours outside shoveling snow. When I was a kid, we had snowmobiles. I would spend hours and hours riding a snowmobile in the field across from my grandparents' house. My mom would have to demand that I stop long enough for her check me for frostbite. Then I would be off riding again. I have some really awesome memories of family snowmobile trips. Sigh, what fun.

In Wisconsin I took care of my brother's dog, Mozes. When I would go outside to make snow angels, Mozes would go with me. He was a Rottweiler/Black Lab mix. Not a small dog. That is important to know, because when I would be laying in the snow, making a snow angel, Mozes thought it was play time. He would run and jump on me. I can laugh about it now, because all of the bruises have healed. Heavy sigh, fun stuff.

I'm trainable

Where I am living, the homeowners have a dog named Samantha. She is part cocker spaniel and I think some kind of lab. She is a really sweet dog. The other day she taught me a new trick (like I said, I'm trainable). Usually when Sam wants in, she'll scratch at the door to my apartment. The other evening, I heard a scratch at the door. I opened the door, and there was no Sam. So, I checked the door that goes from the apartment to the house, and there she was.....wagging her tail. She walked to the pantry door, and wanted me to give her a treat. Of course I did!! Sam is funny, and she is a good people trainer. I like that in a dog.

They also have a kitten. Her name is Stickers. I sometimes really think she should be called Spaz, because of the way she runs and bounces off of the walls. She is cute, and yes, sometimes her eyes do glow red....even if no flash is going off. Yesterday she tried to jump up on my shoulder. I am not tall, but she couldn't jump that high. Pretty funny stuff.

Update 12/27/08:
I almost forgot to mention Oakley. He is the neighbors yellow lab. I've been told he is about a year old. He is a big puppy, with really long legs. I guess you could call Oakley the neighborhood barker/protector. He barks when anyone comes in the yard here. Then backs off if challenged. I hear too, that Oakley is a thief, if you leave anything of value laying around, he takes it home with him. So far, I haven't lost anything to Oaks. Oakley is full of energy, and lots of times when he comes over for a visit, he runs full throttle around the yard. Oakley is a good face washer.

Hate, what is it good for?

Hate - verb (used with an object), to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest; to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.

I admit, I have used the word hate too much lately. So much so, that I am tired of hating or saying I hate Gerald. I don't hate him, and probably never did. I was hurt and lashing out. Besides, I didn't like what the hate was doing to me. The person I was becoming, because I used the word hate.

I hear other people use the word hate. Some people say how they hate another person, because of the other person's behavior. I observe these people. What I often see is the hater doing the same behaviors the hatee does. It makes me wonder, does the hater hate themselves? Or, do they not realize they are doing the behavior too?

So, I am done hating. I don't like it, don't wanna do it anymore. When I catch myself starting to say I hate something, or hate Gerald, I stop myself. When it comes down to it, Gerald probably couldn't give a damn if I hate him or not. And, if it isn't going to hurt him a little bit, why should I hurt myself by feeling it? (I'm sure there have been research studies done on the affects of hate on a person's health....I love myself too much to get sick over him).

Lots to be thankful for

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. This year I have much to be thankful for. Every morning I wake up above the sod. I have the most wonderful friends that love me, and care about my well being. I have a great family that loves me, and supported me when I decided to move to Montana (even tho it hurt them deeply). I am living in Montana (truly God's country). I see the mountains every day! I am less than 50 miles from Glacier NP!

I am thankful that I am a strong woman. I will make it in Montana. I am thankful I have not become jaded or bitter. I know I will find a good man. A man that is honest with me and himself. A man that is caring and giving. A man that wants a woman to love him from her soul. A man that has left his baggage at the curb. Oh, and I am thankful I haven't lost my sense of humor.

Please, leave your baggage at the curb

I don't bring much baggage from relationship to relationship. I don't intend to judge other men by who or what Gerald is.

I can't say Gerald does the same. I got the strong impression, that he never intends to let go of his baggage, or the hurt inflicted on him by his past relationships. Whether the hurt be changing their mind, doing something vicious, or whatever wrong he believes it was. Let it go! How can you move forward when you are dragging such a heavy load around with you?

I feel that was very unfair to me (I know, I know, life isn't always fair). Seems like I was frequently tested to see if I would react to things the way his exes did. I would mentally wipe my brow and say whew after passing each test, thinking it would be the last. Only to be tested again. I am different than those women. The only thing we ever had in common was loving Gerald.

One day a realization hit me like a Mack truck!! I had been so busy not being Gerald's exes, that I forgot to be myself. How sad is that, because I am funny, smart, sincere, honest, kind, (my friends tell me wonderful [blush], and the list of my attributes goes on and on. I am a great catch:o)

Why do I write about these things?

Because they befuddle me. I am not a stupid woman, nor am I naive in the ways of the world. I have often wondered how people that were in love, can fall out of love and at times even hate each other. Were they truly in love? What, what goes wrong? I'm sure there have been research studies done.

I think of so many things Gerald did to show love, even in the days just before the end of our relationship. And I understand the end less. With a lack of anything to go on, my thoughts run wild.....

.....I have several theories.

• I didn't have enough money being among the top, well 1 (with my friends and family)!! He said those kinds of things weren't important, but was always saying how much he paid for things. That something was pretty "spendy" or "pricey". He knew the price tag on all of his stuff, and this man has a lot of stuff. I've never been into stuff. I'm not impressed by shiny things, or big toys.*
  

• Gerald was afraid I would end the relationship, so he beat me to it. That is based on something he said a few weeks prior. I had no plans to end our relationship, I was deeply in love. My plan was to show him when we were in our 80's, that I was in it for the long haul. I was going to say, "See I didn't leave! I didn't change my mind! We have been together all of these years, I am still here, and I still love you."
  

• Was it that I made him feel bad. Only on two occasions before the end. Not intentionally, or knowingly. I guess he just felt bad because of his conscience, not because of what I said or did. He said he didn't like that I made him feel bad about his hurting me. He told me once that he saw our friendship falling apart, because I was making him feel bad about what had happened between us. Is that the same as I don't want to play with you anymore, I'm taking my toys and going home? Paaalllllleeeeaaaasssseeee!! Oh, and there was the time I had told Gerald I looked into homeless shelters, you know to cover all my bases. He told me I shouldn't have told him that, because it made him feel bad. That was not my intention. I realized at that moment, it was okay for Gerald to make you feel bad, but don't make him feel bad. Remember, it is all about him.
  

• There were two Gerald's. The one I met on line, the Gerald he wanted to be. The one I fell in love with, and met when I flew out to meet him in May. The one that said he didn't drink, didn't smoke, ate healthy, didn't like going to town, didn't like hanging out in bars, wanted a woman that would stay home at night, etc. He had told me that I made it easy for him to be the kind of man he wanted to be. Then there was the Gerald I met after a few weeks of living here. The one that smoked, drank and did the things he said he hated. That Gerald was easier to be, because it didn't involve change. He was more comfortable being that Gerald.**
  

Then I have a belief, not a theory, that Gerald doesn't know what love really is. I loved him unconditionally! Totally! I don't think he had ever before experienced the kind of love that comes from the soul of a woman. That was the kind of love I had for Gerald. Maybe that is a scary kind of love.

He said he was looking for a crazy, madly in love kind of love. He didn't feel that with me. Here's me thinking, you had that with Psycho! You still divorced her! So, how could I trust that if he were crazy, madly, in love with me that we would still be together.

I gave him stability, from what he had told me it didn't sound like he had much in his life. The house was clean and dishes done when he came home from work. I met him with a smile, a hug, and a how was your day. He had told me that his ex-wife (#2) didn't do things around the house. He told me Psycho didn't do things in the house. So, I did. I cleaned, kept things picked up, did the laundry, fed the critters, helped when he needed a hand. (I had told him I wasn't a domestic Goddess.)

* I have no doubt that I am the wealthiest person Gerald knows. Not because I make a lot of money (ouch! I just picked myself up off the floor from laughing at that one), because I don't. But, because I have a great sense of self. I have wonderful friends and family. I can look at myself in the mirror, and like what I see. I have a love of myself. I am compassionate about all living things. I enjoy the simple things. I am a good person.

**I know, from experience, that it is easier to be who we are than to make the changes that make us a better person. I never asked Gerald to be anyone. I would never, I repeat never, ask anyone to change for me. Heck, relationships are hard enough as it is, why add the possibility of resentment for making the other person be someone you want them to be.

Kittens

For me the loss has been more than the man I loved, left my family and friends for and moved 1500 miles to be with. I loved living in the mountains, with trees all around. I also love(d) the cats and kittens, there were 13 in all. Yep, 13, three Mom cats, their nine kittens and the Pa cat that lived under one of the out buildings.

I named them all when I first moved here. The Moms were Momma, Boots and Cow Cat. The kittens were Stinker, Fluffy, Twin, It, Digger, Patch, Spot, Tiger and Hissy. Then there was Pa Cat, he was the daddy to all the kittens.

Spot was the most social. Stinker and Fluffy were adopted out. Patch, I was his girl. He was very shy at first. Then one day he adopted me. In the mornings, I would hold him on the front porch after breakfast. He would purr and fall asleep. Digger is the most beautiful cat I have ever seen.

One time I came home from work and Gerald showed me a new gun he had bought. I asked him what a person would shoot with that gun, he said "Cats." On my last morning there, I told Gerald I had a dream he shot the cats. I asked him if he was going to shoot the cats. He didn't answer. So, I asked him again. He said no. I told him I still planned on getting Patch fixed and taking him with me.

One night, I was talking to Gerald's friend, my landlord, about cats. I asked him if Gerald had shot the cats. He said not yet. I asked him what he meant by not yet. He said Gerald wouldn't shoot the cats.

I would love to go back to see the kittens. Patch is who I miss the most. I haven't gone back because I know I would cry when I left him again. As I told you, I lost more.

Is it forever already?!?

I wasn't prepared for an end. More than once, I had told Gerald I would not accept anything less than forever, and he said yes, nothing less than forever. I didn't know forever was so short!!

On my last night at Gerald's, I was there to pack the rest of my things. I had an ideal pictured in my head that we would talk. (Sometimes I really crack myself up.) He was out, as he had been most nights in those last couple of weeks.

When he came home, I was on the phone with a friend. I had the football game on. I hung up from my phone call. Told him hello. He went in the bedroom and changed clothes, then came out into the living room and laid on the couch. I could smell the whiskey from across the room. He fell asleep. I figured there would be no talking. No closure. No discussion about what made it end.

Gerald's big thing when we first started our relationship, was "communication". He had to be with a woman that was willing to communicate. Get outside help if things went wrong. All things I was very willing to do. During our relationship, we didn't communicate. We talked, but not about deep level things. I thought things were going well. Oh, we had our ups and downs, what couple doesn't?

Come to think of it, the only time we had deep level communication was when we would instant message each other, before I moved to Montana. We would talk on the phone, and not talk about the same things we talked about when we instant messaged each other. I still wonder why that was. I even brought it to his attention more than once.

I know communication goes both ways. I could have started some of the conversations I wanted to have. But, I think I realized early on, that it was about Gerald and what he wanted to talk about. And, maybe, just maybe I was afraid of what might be said.

The porch swing II

On Monday, November 3, 2008, I moved out. I asked Gerald (that's his name), if I could have the porch swing, since the cats and I were the only ones that sat on it. He said no. Without hesitation. Without a reason. I know him well enough to know the swing means nothing to him. It is just something for him to add to the rest of his "stuff".

He said he would make me another one sometime this winter. I learned how to tell when he is lying.

I live in a place where the porch swing would look great on the porch here. I could use it, instead of having it hang on his porch....unused. Collecting dust like the rest of his stuff.

Things I found out

I have been crushed by the lies of this man. In the months since I started this blog, I have seen that not only is he a liar, but he likes to drink as well.

Did I mention, he hadn't told me he was married before I moved out here? All he would tell me is that he had "trust" issues. He wouldn't go into detail before I moved to Montana. I can tell you we talked for hours, and hours, and hours. Never once did he say, "I'm married and have filed for divorce." He just told me he couldn't talk about the trust issues, until I was out here by him.

I was here a couple of days when I asked him what the trust issue was. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to know. I said yes. I know as sure as I am sitting here, typing this, that he would not have told me otherwise. Then he told me he was married. He told me they hadn't lived together since about August 2007. She had moved her things back to her house. He called her "Psycho Bitch". Said she was evil and had done the most vicious thing to him he had ever experienced in his life.

I was devastated. But, we were in love. So, I continued the relationship. We did a lot of things together. Picked mushrooms for hours, shopped, hiked, laughed, loved, gardened.

Seems like once his soon to be ex-wife came back to town, things changed between us. Oh, she had been in California fighting wild fires for the summer.

Another thing that seemed to change things between us was that I got a job. Not the one he wanted me to get, but it was good for paying my bills. I really thought my having a job would be a good thing. He had told me how is ex-wife, soon to be ex-wife and other girlfriends hadn't worked. I thought, how refreshing this must be for this man, a woman that works!! Silly me.

The porch swing

I told "him" about a song I used as an anthem on a quest I was on to find Mr. Forever. The song is "Drift Off To Dream" by Travis Tritt. In it there is a line about a porch swing. "He" went out and bought the CD. Said he cried when he heard the song. That it was his anthem too. He was on a quest to find Ms. Forever. And then he built me a porch swing.

My story is simple

Yep, it is simple. I met a guy, we fell in love, and I moved 1500 miles away from family and friends to be with him. Only for him to decide he wasn't in love with me. Well, it took him a couple of months to decide that. To say I was devastated is, well an understatement for sure.

I got the I love you like a friend, but I'm not in love with you speech. I want us to be friends because we think alike and like to do the same things. Huh!!??!!

I'll go back to the beginning. In January I joined eHarmony for what I hoped was the last time in my life. I had joined off and on for a couple of years. And, each time I joined, I got sick to my stomach....because, I dreaded the process. In January it was different. I felt I was going to succeed this time. I wasn't sick to my stomach.

The middle of February, I was matched with "him". I saw something in his face, his shy smile, his profile caught my attention. I had been matched over my time on eHarmony with almost 1,000 men. This guy stood out. So, for only the second time in my eHarmony history, I initiated contact. I wanted to get to know this man.

As with my matches that I communicate with, I checked other dating sites, to see if he was out there trolling. I found him on Yahoo Personals. His profile was kind of the same, a little more detail. On eHarmony he said he didn't smoke, on Yahoo Personals he said he smoked sometimes. I know that seems minor, but I have asthma and couldn't even think of being around smoke. He also said on eHarmony that he only drank a few times a year, you'll read later why this is important.

It took him a few weeks to answer my first set of questions. I nudged him, because I really wanted to get to know him. I felt he was the "one". And he lived in a part of the country I was totally in love with, Montana. Glacier NP is my favorite place on earth.